I’ve learned a lot in this time of preparation. A lot about myself, and really in how I relate to God. The real honest truth of who I believe I am and how I respond to who God says I am. Its a frightening thing to realize if i really let myself see.
I don’t want God to love me.
Never really have I suppose. I’ve felt the overwhelming Love at times and definitely have shed a lot of tears. But to fully receive God’s love would mean one of many things. I must accept that in myself I truly do not want anyone too close. Closeness brings vulnerability, and vulnerability leads to honesty. Who wants that kind of closeness? How much more with a God who knows and see’s all anyway?. His love is painful, I can’t contain it. I can’t control it or even set it a comfortable level. Its painful, it eats away at every sense of false comfort I can hold onto. It tears down every wall I can possibly build and hide behind. It lights up every dark corner that I had not let light shine in for fear it would reveal a pain or hurt I had not yet dealt with. Its like standing in front of a huge wave or hurricane and reaching out as to somehow hug it and fit it nice and neatly into my outstretched arms. Embracing a wave so big knowing that I wouldn’t make it out alive or in one peace. Its painful and frightening but yet the only place that can set me free. The wave doesn’t just hit places I allow it, or even wet the parts of me that I see fit. It swallows me up and sweeps me away, inevitably ending my life. I can’t contain His love.
I guess the second major thing in receiving His love would be the ability to trust. Trust has never really been my strong suit. Many I have trusted have inevitably let me down time after time. I’ve learned to expect the worst of anything that presented itself as good. What would trusting look like?
In the process of waiting for this trip and preparing my heart, God revealed so much doubt and fear in me. Fear and doubt that I would have never seen if I hadn’t done this. I guess my Yes to God was always delayed by the guarantee that I would lose it all, even my life and have 0 control. Saying Yes to God meant embracing the wave and accepting my fate. Saying yes meant leaving all of what was, to do all of what I had never done. It would mean trusting God with more than mere words. It would be a faith that would require surrender and a love that would require death. Death to my wants, and desires. Death to my fears and false comforts. Death to every idea, or interests I may have had.
At the core, it meant loving God passed what He had “done” in my life, and loving Him purely for who He is.
A God who leaves the 99 to find the 1. A God who is relentless in His pursuit for ME. I guess the lessons begin sooner than I could have imagined, but rightly so. When does anything happen in the timing I see fit? This life is not my own anyways. As I’m on this journey let this be the end of me, and the very beginning of who He is. My prayer for you today is this. May you feel the tug of God on your heart to say Yes. May you embrace the wave of His love and accept the ending of your life, and the beginning of His life in you. May you actually have to Trust that He is who He says He is. May you mourn the loss of who you thought you were, but rejoice in the person God will resurrect inside you.
For It is no longer I who live, but Christ who lives in me. Galatians 2:20